Joy and Judgment

*Blogger won't let me put spaces between paragraphs. Sorry, I know that makes it harder to read. For anyone that has ever been through postpartum depression (I prefer to call it baby fog) or depression, you know that it robs you of your joy and you feel like you will always feel that way. I was never diagnosed, but looking back, I now know that that was what I was dealing with. My kids are my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but ever since Jemma arrived, it's been a rough road. The loss of sleep, compounded with the constant needs of my little ones (including a very defiant child that has aged me so much), and no time to myself stole peace from my life. Those close to me know that I homeschooled my 2 oldest for the 2012-13 school year. That topic is another post. Although I still believe in the noble calling of homeschooling, and still daydream from time to time about trying it again and being successful at it, trying to do it while also having a 4 year old and 2 year old while still having lingering baby fog was almost more than I could bear. I was in a bad way. Not suicidal or anything close to that...but had a complete loss of self. Really did not know who I was anymore. Fast forward to the start of last school year...August 2013. My kids went back to school, Natalia started kindergarten, and my 2 year old went to MDO 3 days a week. For the first time in years I could have complete thoughts, I could concentrate while reading, I could run into a store to grab one thing and not have it take an hour, I could complete a task at home without having to stop and start several times (moms, you know what I'm talking about). I also starting exercising regularly and those endorphins kicked in and made me feel on top of the world. I made several new friends that I truly believe God brought into my life at just the right times. They "got" me right away and I look forward to many years of friendship with them. Where am I going with this? I got my joy back. I got peace back. I'm sleeping again. I'm happy. Like CRAZY happy. SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD happy. And like one of my favorite digital designers, I want to uplift and inspire people to be happy too. I want them to know if they are going through a tough season, that they too will find joy and peace and happiness and hope again. On facebook I love to share snippets of my life, positive quotes, scripture, pictures of my kids, foods we eat, crafts we are working on, places we go...for this simple reason: I LOVE my life. Every little bit of it. I have been through some tough stuff and once I came through it, I vowed to be grateful for EVERY LITTLE MOMENT. Big and small. And I am. Sometimes though, it feels like there's this black cloud that won't go away. That cloud is called JUDGMENT. I'm sick and tired of judgmental people that look only at appearance. People that assume my life IS and always HAS BEEN a certain way and that I have never struggled through anything. Do you want me to tell you about how I have been crippled by shyness practically since I was born? Do you want me to tell you about how people have always assumed I was a snob because I was quiet? How about when half my face was paralyzed when I was 26? Or when we were both 30, we were told my husband had had a heart attack (turned out to be something else)? Or maybe I can tell you about what it's like to juggle my 4 kids along with anxiety and ADD and migraines? Hmmm...still think my life is perfect? I am frustrated with some moms that refuse to give me the time of day no matter how friendly, caring, kind, interested I am. A couple of them in particular that literally walk right by me as if I'm invisible, and refuse to make eye contact. Family members that no matter how much interest I show, how many questions I ask, I get zero interest in return. I always wonder, "Am I THAT boring or do they just truly not care?" Just tired of mean people. I have ALWAYS been someone that looks way below the surface to get to know someone. I don't care what size you wear, what your hair looks like, what name brand your clothes or purse or flip flops are, what neighborhood you live in...I care about YOU!! I'm not judging YOU, please don't judge ME. The saying that goes, "Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes"...I TRY to remember this when I am tempted to judge someone. We all have trials and pain and scars. Some are just nhidden better than others. If you know my parents, you know that they are both positive people...thus you understand where I get it from. But it has been hinted at that I am too positive, too nice, blah blah blah...heard it all my life. I've decided not to listen to the naysayers and just go my own way. So if my posts are too positive, you don't like seeing scripture in a public forum like Facebook, or seeing pictures of a husband who truly loves his wife the way Christ loves the church, then by all means UNFRIEND me. Hopefully you will stick with me and we can continue to inspire and learn from each other. I'm happy for you...your children, your spouses, your achievements, your good diagnoses, your vacations, your weight loss, your new skill, your raise, your promotion, your new car... PLEASE be happy for ME.

You are Invited

Well obviously it has been a loooong time since I have blogged but I am joining an Online Bible Study called Made to Crave, so this is a great way to get back to blogging. We will be reading the book Made to Crave which is about learning to crave God, not food (or other vices). The reason I am doing the study is I am a wobbler (as my pastor calls it). I can be very disciplined and stick to healthy eating and regular strenuous workouts, but the minute life gets crazy or a little off kilter, my resolve goes out the window and I make unhealthy choices (mainly too much caffeine {I have a huge Starbucks addiction}, snacking, and my workouts fall off the radar). Thus the wobbling...back and forth, back and forth. Since the new year has started, I have been buying a ton of produce, drinking smoothies and a lot of water, eating healthier (and less), and working out like crazy. This time, I want to stick to it!! What I really want to get out of this study is when life gets really stressful (which is pretty much every day) to not have to run through the Starbuck's drive through to make it through the rest of my day. I want to turn to my Savior who knows what I am going through. He redeems, coffee doesn't. I want to crave Him, and Him alone. Won't you join me? If you are interested, purchase Made to Crave, and go to proverbs31.org to sign up.