Joy and Judgment

*Blogger won't let me put spaces between paragraphs. Sorry, I know that makes it harder to read. For anyone that has ever been through postpartum depression (I prefer to call it baby fog) or depression, you know that it robs you of your joy and you feel like you will always feel that way. I was never diagnosed, but looking back, I now know that that was what I was dealing with. My kids are my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but ever since Jemma arrived, it's been a rough road. The loss of sleep, compounded with the constant needs of my little ones (including a very defiant child that has aged me so much), and no time to myself stole peace from my life. Those close to me know that I homeschooled my 2 oldest for the 2012-13 school year. That topic is another post. Although I still believe in the noble calling of homeschooling, and still daydream from time to time about trying it again and being successful at it, trying to do it while also having a 4 year old and 2 year old while still having lingering baby fog was almost more than I could bear. I was in a bad way. Not suicidal or anything close to that...but had a complete loss of self. Really did not know who I was anymore. Fast forward to the start of last school year...August 2013. My kids went back to school, Natalia started kindergarten, and my 2 year old went to MDO 3 days a week. For the first time in years I could have complete thoughts, I could concentrate while reading, I could run into a store to grab one thing and not have it take an hour, I could complete a task at home without having to stop and start several times (moms, you know what I'm talking about). I also starting exercising regularly and those endorphins kicked in and made me feel on top of the world. I made several new friends that I truly believe God brought into my life at just the right times. They "got" me right away and I look forward to many years of friendship with them. Where am I going with this? I got my joy back. I got peace back. I'm sleeping again. I'm happy. Like CRAZY happy. SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD happy. And like one of my favorite digital designers, I want to uplift and inspire people to be happy too. I want them to know if they are going through a tough season, that they too will find joy and peace and happiness and hope again. On facebook I love to share snippets of my life, positive quotes, scripture, pictures of my kids, foods we eat, crafts we are working on, places we go...for this simple reason: I LOVE my life. Every little bit of it. I have been through some tough stuff and once I came through it, I vowed to be grateful for EVERY LITTLE MOMENT. Big and small. And I am. Sometimes though, it feels like there's this black cloud that won't go away. That cloud is called JUDGMENT. I'm sick and tired of judgmental people that look only at appearance. People that assume my life IS and always HAS BEEN a certain way and that I have never struggled through anything. Do you want me to tell you about how I have been crippled by shyness practically since I was born? Do you want me to tell you about how people have always assumed I was a snob because I was quiet? How about when half my face was paralyzed when I was 26? Or when we were both 30, we were told my husband had had a heart attack (turned out to be something else)? Or maybe I can tell you about what it's like to juggle my 4 kids along with anxiety and ADD and migraines? Hmmm...still think my life is perfect? I am frustrated with some moms that refuse to give me the time of day no matter how friendly, caring, kind, interested I am. A couple of them in particular that literally walk right by me as if I'm invisible, and refuse to make eye contact. Family members that no matter how much interest I show, how many questions I ask, I get zero interest in return. I always wonder, "Am I THAT boring or do they just truly not care?" Just tired of mean people. I have ALWAYS been someone that looks way below the surface to get to know someone. I don't care what size you wear, what your hair looks like, what name brand your clothes or purse or flip flops are, what neighborhood you live in...I care about YOU!! I'm not judging YOU, please don't judge ME. The saying that goes, "Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes"...I TRY to remember this when I am tempted to judge someone. We all have trials and pain and scars. Some are just nhidden better than others. If you know my parents, you know that they are both positive people...thus you understand where I get it from. But it has been hinted at that I am too positive, too nice, blah blah blah...heard it all my life. I've decided not to listen to the naysayers and just go my own way. So if my posts are too positive, you don't like seeing scripture in a public forum like Facebook, or seeing pictures of a husband who truly loves his wife the way Christ loves the church, then by all means UNFRIEND me. Hopefully you will stick with me and we can continue to inspire and learn from each other. I'm happy for you...your children, your spouses, your achievements, your good diagnoses, your vacations, your weight loss, your new skill, your raise, your promotion, your new car... PLEASE be happy for ME.

You are Invited

Well obviously it has been a loooong time since I have blogged but I am joining an Online Bible Study called Made to Crave, so this is a great way to get back to blogging. We will be reading the book Made to Crave which is about learning to crave God, not food (or other vices). The reason I am doing the study is I am a wobbler (as my pastor calls it). I can be very disciplined and stick to healthy eating and regular strenuous workouts, but the minute life gets crazy or a little off kilter, my resolve goes out the window and I make unhealthy choices (mainly too much caffeine {I have a huge Starbucks addiction}, snacking, and my workouts fall off the radar). Thus the wobbling...back and forth, back and forth. Since the new year has started, I have been buying a ton of produce, drinking smoothies and a lot of water, eating healthier (and less), and working out like crazy. This time, I want to stick to it!! What I really want to get out of this study is when life gets really stressful (which is pretty much every day) to not have to run through the Starbuck's drive through to make it through the rest of my day. I want to turn to my Savior who knows what I am going through. He redeems, coffee doesn't. I want to crave Him, and Him alone. Won't you join me? If you are interested, purchase Made to Crave, and go to proverbs31.org to sign up.

A Good, Good Day

Part 1--It's Just a Number
Wow, today is my 35th birthday and although my doctor said I am officially an old fart now, I do not feel any older.  I am so grateful to my mom who never made a big deal about age.  At 67, she still looks great, but I feel like she ages gracefully.  She just doesn't make a big deal about it.  Now I am not crazy about all the wrinkles and spots that are popping up here and there on my face, but I also feel like they add character and I will not be ashamed.  I'm loving my life and am just happy to be alive.  When I was 26, I woke up one morning with Bell's Palsy.  For those of you that don't know, Bell's Palsy is when one of the facial nerves is destroyed, and causes temporary or permanent paralysis of certain features.  That was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.  First of all because it was excruciatingly painful.  The destruction of the nerve combined with the gradual regrowth of the nerve caused electrical-like zaps throughout the left side of my head and face for months.  Another part that was really difficult was the vanity issues related to it.  My left eye could not close, blink, squint,...nothin'... so it was much bigger than the right eye.  I couldn't lift that side of my forehead or raise my eyebrow and when I smiled, it was very jagged...a half-smile.  I hated that I couldn't smile at my sweet 16 month old boy.  Not a fun season in my life.  However, looking back, I learned many valuable lessons.  I learned patience while waiting for that nerve to slowly regrow.  I remember sitting in my classroom feeling tingling in my upper lip...getting so excited because I knew my smile was returning.  I learned that it's really not about what you look like.  I had to really "get over myself" because I had to go face my students and co-workers every day like that.  And I learned that wrinkles are not so bad.  I would choose being able to show my emotions with wrinkles, lines, and creases any day over being plastic and having a face that won't move.  What a gift God has given us in that respect.  I think of wrinkles as kinds of a road map of one's life.  That's why really old ladies are beautiful to me.  I know I'm rambling here, but this is something I feel so strongly about.  I am thankful that at the relatively young age of {gasp} 35 I have my priorities right and although I have fun dressing up, putting makeup on, and like to feel like I look good when I leave the house, I am really secure in knowing, it really doesn't matter what my "earth suit" looks like.  God sees the inside of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and he still loves me.  And my family loves me no matter what I look like.  Who cares what anyone else thinks?  Although I know I will have a ton of fun with my girls over the years shopping for clothes, shoes, jewelry, and makeup; getting pedicures; getting dressed up for homecoming and prom and weddings...I want them to know that it is their uniqueness that makes them beautiful and not trying to be like everyone else.  I don't know how I will tackle the teenage years, but I hope by then that I have imparted enough wisdom that they are secure with themselves.  Wow....I just went off on a tangent, didn't I?  Just like my mom.  Thanks Mom for giving birth to me 35 years ago today!!! 

Part 2 of a really long post- Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star... How I Wonder What You Are
On June 27, 2000, we found out we were expecting a boy.  On December 10, 2003, we found out we were expecting a girl.  On September 11, 2007, we found out we were having another girl.  Very soon we will find out what you are.  Then we can officially stop calling you "it" and say "he" or "she".  This is a special day that will change our lives.  We will be able to figure out exactly how you will fit into our family. 

Are you a bouncing baby boy?  A lil' guy that will love bugs, cars, trucks, boats, planes, trains, spaceships, technology, sports?  Will you be a lil' buddy for Jacob...someone to who he can teach everything he knows?  Another buddy for Daddy to go do boy stuff with?  A little boy that the girls can pretend is their doll?

Or are you another little princess?  I can't imagine three little girls...what fun that would be!  More costumes, click-clack dress-up shoes, more pink and purple, more fun hairbows, Barbies, paper dolls...One more wedding?  What fun....what debt!!! 

People ask if I have a preference and I can honestly say that I don't.  Either way I will be thrilled to pieces.  I am so looking forward to seeing your little body on that ultrasound screen, seeing your little arms and legs move, maybe even seeing you suck your thumb...or wave to your brother and sisters...and hearing, "It's a .....!"  You are already so blessed, little one!  You will be surrounded by a lot of people who are so ready to love you!  I can't wait to meet you, but for now I'm just happy to see you on that screen!

Twinkle, twinkle, little star...how I wonder what you are...

Happy Mother's Day!

"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her"-Proverbs 31: 28


When I was a child, I had many dreams and ideas of what I wanted to be.  Among the top on the list were lawyer, tv news journalist, actress, Radio City Rockette, and teacher.  But at the very top was Mommy.  I can remember playing house with my friends and my dolls all the time wanting to be a mommy.  There is no more important job in the world.  Not one!  And I am so blessed that God has given me this very special job. 

To my amazing children Jacob, Alexa, and Natalia, thank you for challenging me daily...for pushing me beyond my limits..for making me want to be better each day..for developing a strength in me that I had no idea existed before you came along...for teaching me new things...I am honored and privileged to be your mom. 

To baby punkin...we have a long way to go kiddo.  In five and a half months I will get to meet you.  I can't wait to hold you, kiss you, smell your sweet baby smell, count your fingers and toes, and to look in your eyes and fall in love. 

To my mom, the strongest woman I know, you have taught me so many life lessons.  The most important to me are these:  strength, humility, empathy, how to put others before myself, that my value is not in what I look like but how I treat people, that the world does not revolve around me, how to carry on a conversation and take a genuine interest in people, that being an intelligent woman is important, that being interested in the news and the world around me is important, to stand up for what I believe in...  Thank you for loving me and also all the love you show to Matt and my kiddoes.  I love you!  

To my sister Shannon who is raising 3 strong willed, spirited precious children while running a successful online boutique:  I admire your strength and ability to juggle sooooo many things.  I'm so glad we are raising our children together just like we always said we would. 

Happy Mother's Day also to....

my amazing GJ, who did not have an easy life...she gave birth to my mom while my grandpa was away during the war, she raised 3 children and worked several jobs.  What a strong woman!  And at 88 is still stronger than ever.  I want to be like GJ when I grow up. 

my sister in law, Andrea, who as a baseball wife lives a very hectic life while raising 2 precious baby girls.

to my mother in law, Marilyn, who raised my husband Matt to be the amazing man that he is and is an excellent grandma!

to my sister in law, Angela, who is a great mom to little Timothy while juggling being a teacher

to Matt's Grandma Phylll who raised 8 kids, WHOA!! Enough said there...now that's a strong woman!

To all my teacher mommy friends...I have a special place in my heart for you.  I know the difficulty of being with other people's kids all day, when most of the time, you just want to be with your own.  And also the challenge of trying to have quality time with your kids while juggling grading papers, lesson planning, all the extra behind-the-scenes stuff that teachers do, finding a sub when your kids are sick...I could go on and on...

To all my mommy friends...I am inspired daily by watching the creativity and strength that you show.  Thank you for making me feel validated. 

To all the moms out there that are sick, or are raising sick children, or those that are raising children with special needs, those that are widowed, or single moms working 2 jobs, extra hats off to you girlfriends!  You are the true queens of the juggle.  God has a SPECIAL place in heaven for you!  Your courage inspires me. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the MOMS out there!  What a blessing!  Have a great day! 

Happy 6th Birthday to Alexa!

More to come.

Happy Easter!

I just have a few pictures to share...

Before the neighborhood Easter egg hunt last Saturday

I'm on my way...

"I hope the eggs have chocolate"

St. Patrick's Day

Alexa "modeling" in the window of Baby Gap

Pray for Layla Grace

laylagrace.org

I can't stop thinking about this family.

My thoughts and prayers are consumed with them.

Layla Grace is a 2 year old who has Stage 4 Neuroblastoma.  The doctors sent her home to have hospice care as there is nothing more they can do for her.  She has just a few days to live.  It is amazing that this little girl from Cypress, Texas has touched so many lives.  Her website, facebook page, and her parents' twitters have thousands and thousands of followers...including several celebrities.  I am amazed at the strength of her parents who are basically watching their beautiful little girl die.  Visit her website:  laylagrace.org....you will absolutely be taken with her story.  Having a two year old girl myself, I can't begin to imagine their grief and pain.  I know they take comfort in knowing that soon she will be with Jesus and will have a perfect heavenly body that is not laced with tumors.  Her sisters are 9 and 3 and are staying with their grandmother.  Please pray for this family.